you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
