we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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