i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
