it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
