I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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