you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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