bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
