life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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