o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
either way he was missing a nipple.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
