Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
