woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
