I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
