i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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