if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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Semen is not good for contacts.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You brought string cheese to the strip club
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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