I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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