Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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