There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
