then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
