So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
