I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ttyl tear gas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just forgot I was standing up.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
