you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
