He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
