I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
