Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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