i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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