hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i believe in u and ur pee
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
