you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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