I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
