Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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