Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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