So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
thus making me awesome and them whores
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
