she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
