I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
