I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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