I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
