I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
