last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
