I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
