I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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