I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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