My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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