3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
