Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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