your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
