I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
