neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
