Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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