I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
