so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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