Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
