At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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