I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
