I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
