I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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