3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
