Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
