awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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