I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
