If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The best revenge is premature balding
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
