I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
